My Big Fat Stark Wedding
by Trivial Pursuit
Summary: America's number one power couple are getting married. What could possibly go wrong? First in the Triviaglass 'Verse.


**Author's Note: Co-written with glassfacet, based on a multi-part challenge she has given me.**

**Disclaimer: I will own _The Avengers_, _Thor_, _Captain America_, _The Fantastic Four_, _Iron Man_, _The Incredible Hulk_, and _The Dark Knight_ when Hell freezes over.**

***Author's Legal Representation would like to say that the Author makes this statement under the assumption that our new erratic weather patterns don't affect the supernatural realms and is not responsible if demons suddenly get frostbite.**

Pepper Potts smoothed the white satin across her hips, staring happily at the reflection in the mirror. Jane Foster's assistant, Darcy was rolling on the balls of her feet, adjusting the bodice of her dress with one hand and texting with the other at speeds Pepper herself found awing, The Black Widow was strapping something to her thigh with the ripping sound of Velcro (What, Pepper was sure she didn't want to know.), and Jane was fiddling with the straps of her shoe. The redhead averted her eyes back to her own reflection. A cool, collected woman, entirely unreflective of the bundle of fear that was her insides at the moment stared back at her. The woman had thick red hair that was twisted back into a bun, the alabaster lace covering her chest and back perfect and unblemished by pulled threads and grime.

Pepper smirked as she thought back to how she got Tony to finally set a date for the wedding. Really it was all because of Bruce. God bless Bruce Banner. Seriously, it's in her vows. She'd simply called him up and explained the situation and voilà, two months later she's getting married. Currently Bruce was at the Waldorf-Astoria Hotel where Tony and his groomsmen were getting ready. Most likely doing a lot breathing exercises with Tony, hiding, finding, confiscating, and re-hiding all the booze, and standing as a sort of Pepper-replacement to make sure the 'Genius Billionaire Playboy Philanthropist' didn't self-destruct before the wedding.

'Miss Potts?' JARVIS's voice floated through the air.

'Yes?'

'Mr and Mrs Wayne have just arrived and there's no room on the groom's side. Is it permissible to place them on your half?'

'I suppose. Wayne Enterprises is our biggest competition after all, it wouldn't do to turn them away.'

'And Miss Potts, Mr Hammer has arrived with several young ladies of the publication _Playboy_? Would you like me to turn them away?'

'Let the girls in, it's not their fault they thought they'd be getting an invite to the marriage of Tony Stark.'

A tentative knock on the door brought the redhead's attention back to the matter at hand. Natasha opened the door to Steve Rogers with his hands covering his eyes. Steve had been running back and forth between the Waldorf-Astoria and Stark Tower all morning.

'You can look.' The assassin's tone was amused.

'My mother always taught me not to look at a lady when she's changing. '

'Who's a lady?' Darcy muttered, causing Pepper to snicker.

'Darcy!' This from Jane.

'Not me.' Natasha whispered seductively towards her teammate, making him turn a violent red.

'Well no shit Sherlock. What lady uses a garrote as her underwire?'

'There is actual wire there, but it's easier to hide wire where wire should be. Though I must admit, it's a pain to dig out.' Steve was now an unpleasant shade of crimson.

'You look lovely Pepper.' Steve said in an ernest but obvious attempt to divert the conversation.

'Thanks, it took ages to get Tony agree to this particular designer.'

'Well, if it makes you feel any better Tony's freaking out, Thor drank all the alcohol, and Clint's staring out the window longingly at the streets below... Don't worry we're _pretty_ sure he won't jump.'

'If he did it would such an inconvenience. Training a decent replacement would take ages.' Natasha smiled fondly, 'Plus, he promised there'd be no defenestration until at _least_ the speeches.'

'Wait.' Pepper held up her hand in a 'stop' motion, '_Thor_ drank all the booze?'

'Yes ma'am, it was a preemptive measure.'

'Are you telling me _Tony Stark_ is going to be sober for his own wedding.'

'Yes ma'am.'

'I have to re-write my speech.'

'Why?'

'I have to thank the groomsmen for keeping Tony sober.'

'It was their pleasure, I'm _sure_.'

'Steve, if it wouldn't ruin my hair I would hug you. Darcy, hug the Captain.'

'Sure.' The assistant wrapped her arms around Steve. 'Wow, you have great arms.'

'Uh, thanks Miss.' Steve tried to extricate himself from Darcy's clutches, causing Natasha to cackle.

'I love the Army.' A head with the neck stretching down the hall popped in through the open door, causing Darcy to jump back from the Captain and pull out her beloved, ever-present taser. 'Jesus Christ on a pony!'

'Reed, you have to stop doing that. You're scaring all the normal people.'

'Sorry Pep. Fury wants me to tell you they're ready for you.'

'Okay then, Captain.' Steve extended the crook of his elbow to her as she scooped up her bouquet and slid her hand around his arm, doing a couple of the Lamaze breaths Bruce taught her. The elevator trip down to the tower lobby was relatively quiet. Natasha re-checked all of her assorted weaponry, to Darcy's fascination and Steve's embarrassment. Jane fussed a bit with Pepper's veil and Pepper edited her speech on her Stark Smartphone. The bridesmaids loaded themselves into the first horse drawn carriage- after a thorough bomb-check by Natasha- and Pepper and Steve got into the second one. The short ride to Central Park was quiet; Steve seemed to know that she needed to collect her thoughts. Too soon, the carriages pulled up, and the doors swung open. Natasha, Darcy, and Jane clambered out and arranged themselves in order to go down the aisle in front of her. Pepper took a deep breath as Andrea Bocelli's _Romanza_ started up and, getting a hand down from Steve, she exited the vehicle.

As she walked up the aisle Pepper didn't think she'd ever seen Tony look quite so nervous about anything and, just as Steve had promised, he was stone-cold sober. She wasn't sure if she was happy about this or not since he looked like he was about to faint. Bruce appeared to be ever-so-slightly propping up his 'Science Bro'. Thor appeared to have brushed his hair, whether this was by his own volition or that of some higher power, namely Jane, she could not say. Hawkeye was looking _very_ uncomfortable in his only slightly wrinkled tux, but his nails were clean and Pepper was pretty sure that, short of a mission, this was the best she was going to get. Darcy visibly perked up when she saw the archer, causing Pepper to smirk. Nick Fury stood in front of her fiancé in his trademark leather duster and eyepatch, dressed up with a white rose tucked in his lapel.

'Dearly Beloved-' The irony of Fury's words were cut off by an explosion. Several large tentacles extended from a hole in the ground.

'No. Nonononono! Tony, my wedding is being ruined by a giant tentacle thing! _Fix this_!'

'Right, well then. My suit is behind the altar, could somebody pass it to me?'

'Is this it?' Fury held up a large black bag.

'Nope, that's Hawkeye's.'

'Toss it over here!' Clint caught the bag and, in one deft motion, slug his quiver over his shoulder and flicked open his bow before nocking an arrow and running off to begin the battle.

'Enough of this chatter!' Thor's hammer slammed into his hand and he took off into the sky. Darcy and Jane let out cheers and whistles. Pepper was pretty sure she heard Darcy yell out 'Go Mew Mew' but she wasn't sure and wasn't sure she wanted to know.

Natasha ripped her floor-length skirt off at the hip-high slit, causing Pepper to let out a whimper of protest.

'Not in your dress! No!' Pepper had decided it was a bad idea to think about the fact that her fiancé and friends were going to fight a giant tentacle-thing and was instead entirely consumed with the fact that said tentacle-thing was ruining her wedding and that the bridal party was about to fight it _in their wedding clothes_.

'Don't worry, it'll be fine. It always is, most of the time.' A dark-haired woman patted her consolingly on the shoulder. 'Weddings are always more trouble then they're worth. I just stole my husband's mother's pearls and that was that.' Pepper wasn't quite sure what to say to this so kept silent.

A loud yell echoed through the air as Clint went sailing into a tree.

'Fuck, that's, like, the eighth deadly sin; Thou shalt not kill the only hot, single guy here.' A tentacle shot towards the little group and Darcy whipped out her taser, zapping the rubbery arm until it was limp and the taser's battery was completely run out. 'So I guess my taser's pretty much useless now, huh?'

A loud explosion distracted the three women and suddenly everything in the field was coated in a thick layer of green slime.

'Ewww!' Darcy moaned. 'This is so gross.'

'What happened?' asked Jane. 'Did someone hit the weak point or something?'

'You've been playing video games, haven't you?' said Darcy. Jane gave her a little shove, and proceeded to try to climb over the stones. Her dress caught and tore. Both Pepper and Jane decided to ignore this development.

The Avengers stood around the corpse of the tentacle monster, staring at the massive hole where the Hulk had gotten his hands wedged and had ripped the monster open at the same time that Thor had summoned lightning, Hawkeye had shot an explosive arrow, Natasha had thrown a grenade, and Iron Man had shot a beam from the repulsors. The effects were, predictably, explosive and highly effective. So they stood there, admiring their teamwork while covered in green slime.

'Good thing we took some pictures before this happened,' said Tony.

'I think we lost the photographer.' said Steve.

'We'll find him later.' shrugged Tony. 'Oh. Shit.'

'What?' Wordlessly, Tony pointed to a smoking lump of plastic a few meters away.

'Pepper's gonna kill me.'

'Why am I going to kill you?' From the rubble, clad in the once-perfect but now tattered wedding dress was Pepper Potts, Jane and Darcy scrambling after her. It took the Avengers a moment to realise she wasn't crying, she was seething with pure, undiluted rage.

'It's okay Pepper, we'll just pick another day, no biggie.' Tony attempted to placate Pepper before there was another crater in the middle of Central Park

'Fuck this. I want to get married now. I've waited _way_ too long for this day to come. And I'm gonna get fucking married today, not tomorrow or any other day. _Today_.' She stomped viciously on a remaining piece of tentacle and all the Avengers winced.

'I like your thinking Boss Lady.' Darcy grinned and went to dig Fury out of the pile of rubble, pulling the disoriented director out by his armpits. 'Up you get Director Eyepatch, you've got a wedding to officiate.'

In the end Pepper did get _a_ wedding, though not the one she thought she was going to get. Fury married them in the middle of the battlefield formerly known as Central Park and Bruce had miraculously not lost the rings despite his Hulk-out. The wedding dinner occurred at the shwarma joint that had become the Avengers' go-to post-battle restaurant. Pepper's first dance happened in Times Square to _If I Had $1000000_ since Tony hacked into the PA system.

The wedding photos turned up a month later in an unmarked manila envelope with an enigmatic 'See darling, I told you everything would turn out.' It was signed with a flourishing 'S'.


End file.
